Real Programmers

        Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.

        Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.

        Real Programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.

        Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read, and even harder to modify.

        Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or the object deck.

        Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.

        Real Programmers don't drive cars, or any other complicated mechanical contrivance. Walking or bicycling are okay. If a real programmer's bicycle breaks down he has a technician fix it.

        Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

        Real Programmers don't eat quiche. Real Programmers don't even know how to spell quiche. They eat Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.

        Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.

        Real Programmers don't play tennis or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and Real Programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

        Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.

        Real Programmers don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.

        Real Programmers don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty.

        Real Programmers don't use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.

        Real Programmers don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.

        Real Programmers don't use LISP. Only sissy programmers write more parentheses than actual code.

        Real Programmers don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.

        Real Programmers don't use PL/I. PL/I is for gutless people who can't decide whether they want COBOL or FORTRAN.

        Real Programmers don't use schedules. Schedules are for manager's toadies. Real Programmers like to keep their manager in suspense.

        Real Programmers don't write application programs, they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming.

        Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC, after the age of 12.

        Real Programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.

        Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.

        Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.

        Real Programmers know better than the users what they need.

        Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real program. Puppy architects won't allow instructions to address another executable instruction as the target instruction. Real Programmers despise such petty restrictions.

        Real Programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real Programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.

        Real Programmers never grow old. They suffer from burnouts, monumental crashes, or bugs in their DNA.

        Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9 am, it's because they were up all night.

        Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."

        Real Programmers think better when playing adventure games.

        Real Programmers think structured programming is a communist plot.

        Real Programmers never write programs that work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in only a few 30-hour debugging sessions.

        Real Programmers are a figment of the imagination.